Processing the Weight of it All

The reality of living with cancer has a way of smacking you in the face when new obstacles appear and you finally have the space to process everything that’s been happening.

That’s exactly what the last few weeks have been like for me.

On Tuesday the 27th, I underwent a major abdominal surgery—an open adrenalectomy—to remove a mass that had been growing in my adrenal gland since August. By the time it was removed, it measured 19 centimeters, or about 7.5 inches.

The operation lasted roughly six hours. I spent four days recovering in the hospital and have now been home for about the same amount of time. It’s only since being home that the full weight of what this surgery meant has really sunk in.

It’s wild to wrap my head around the fact that I had an entire adrenal gland removed, part of my diaphragm taken, and significant muscle cut through to make this possible. I’m incredibly thankful that no other organs had to be removed, but there’s no denying how intense this all was.

And as if that weren’t enough, once I’m feeling strong enough, I’ll need to begin planning radiation for the tumor in my lung. Shortly after that, I’ll be back into scans and follow-ups for my brain cancer at the beginning of March. It’s a lot—an overwhelming and very busy start to the year.

Cancer feels more real now than it has at any point in the last six months. The tunnel I’m in feels darker, and it’s painfully clear that I’m still deep inside it. Recovery from this surgery will be a long road, and once I’ve made it through that, I’ll still need to face both my brain and lung. There doesn’t feel like there will be much rest in between. It’s a stark reminder of just how far out in the woods I truly am.

Moments like this make it impossible to forget that I still have brain cancer—and just how serious this really is. This isn’t a twisted ankle or a broken bone. This is something that has already altered my life in profound ways and will continue to do so.

Despite all of that, I’m grateful. Grateful for the support around me, and for the tools I’ve gained along this journey to keep fighting in the best ways I know how.