Finding Joy in Difficult Seasons
Life is interesting. Random things happen that push us to stop, reflect, and search for meaning or purpose. I think that’s a natural part of being human. We try to make sense of difficult moments, especially when life feels uncertain or unfair. And if we can learn to look inward with gratitude — even in the middle of hardship — sometimes we can still find moments of joy. Easier said than done, of course, but still worth striving for.
Right now, I’m feeling especially grateful for my oncology team and the amount of effort they’ve put into helping me get access to chemotherapy medication. Despite my complicated feelings about chemotherapy in the past, I do believe it can be effective against certain cancers. I’m hopeful that this drug, cabozantinib, will be effective against the synovial sarcoma I’m battling. At this moment, it’s the best option available to me, and thankfully I haven’t experienced any side effects so far.
Of course, only time will tell whether it’s working the way we hope it will. The millennial side of me wants immediate gratification — immediate proof that something is happening beneath the surface. Instead, I wait. I meditate in the mornings and evenings, doing my best to calm my mind and somehow “will” both the medication and my body to work together in locating and attacking the cancer within me.
There is risk involved. My kidneys have already been through a lot from the high-dose IV chemotherapy treatments I’ve had in the past, and this medication can also be hard on them. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take if it gives me a chance at more life, more time, and more moments that matter.
Alongside the medication, I’ve also been researching natural ways to help protect my kidneys and potentially improve the effectiveness of treatment. At this stage of the fight, I have to use every tool available to me. Cancer demands that kind of mindset.
On another note, I’m finally entering a season where life feels a little less consumed by doctor appointments. There will still be the regular scans, lab work, and monitoring, but things are slowing down enough that I can start focusing on living again instead of simply reacting.
I’ve been able to return to writing, meditation, reading, and putting more intention into the basics: eating well, improving sleep, exercising, and taking care of both my physical and mental health. I’m hopeful these things will continue helping me stay grounded and strong.
And honestly, I want to enjoy the rest of spring and summer as much as I can. Because as overwhelming as cancer can be, there is still a life outside of it that deserves our attention too.
